When it’s a Conundrum!

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Today’s health care we understand has problems. Right? Well almost every system involved in the world has problems. Mainly since man is involved in their creation or management. Let’s take finance for instance. Our money is pretty darn important to us. If we are among those with enough of it to worry about, there are consultants to help ease our anxiety. However, Health care is a life or death system, and it is screwed up. Today especially.

First of all there is not just one facet of health care that we can go to for all our care. That works well. Our system needs healing to be its focus. Our primary focus ! A system patient centric that’s purpose is to Mitigate pain and reverses the crawl of disease or eliminates it altogether when possible. We need to rid our failing system of the intrinsic forces at work impeding it.Insurers practicing medicine far from the patients bedside for money making purposes does not enhance our system. It interferes with it. It is actually deadly and a deterrent that must be regulated away.

Decades ago we would ask around if we needed to locate a good doctor and someone almost always had a recommendation. Family Doctor, or Pediatrician, we would find one we liked and we had a tendency to stay with them. For a lifetime in many cases, or until we moved away or something like that. Today these brief encounters with strangers on our corners located in bright new buildings may be great for the revenue stream but does not add a twat for the patient. It defers empathy which is desperately needed to discuss treatments, the time to go over the difficult diagnosis, or to just get a correct one.

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Doctors would be able to call in a specialist if needed, and when all was improving then we would be back to basics again. Our doctors knew our OB’s, our Pediatricians, Orthopedics involved with the entire family. Or at the least hadthe file right there. They knew our personalities, family genetics and habits. Good and bad. Their partners knew us as well in case they had to fill in. This worked out very well in many ways, especially with diagnosing. If our Doctor knew Dad had heart issues since he was 40, when Junior started running out of breath at 30 doing menial yard work Doc knew right where to start looking. Or Susie had a car accident ten years ago, and she banged her head. She was knocked out for a few minutes. Now ten years later, and suffering headaches, Doc knew where to look first. By the way Mom had a long history of migraines, and anemia issues. It could have been a long round about search but her Doctor was familiar in her details of life. It takes time to develop that kind of trust and familial intimacy. 15 minutes on a TV screen or in an office won’t cut it. Patients and their medical care team are to be partners. Patients must be looked at as individuals not as numbers or a quota on a graph. Patients made to feel inadequate won’t open up or participate. They must feel safe in being honest and in sharing their thoughts and questions. No one is more of a specialist for a patient than the patient. Working together as in the past will help to eradicate many of today’s medical conundrums.

But Not today. We now have a doctor for 15 minutes. The suggested protocol today requires we start with a Primary Care Practitioner. They are actually today most likely to be General Practitioners, Internists, Family doctors etc. However, they act more like facilitators.Or we are allowed a visit with a PA. A physicians assistant. Almost as knowledgeable as a doctor working over her or a student does not infuse confidence. A patient who lacks trust in their care giver has little chance of healing. Which is counter-productive if you ask me. There is becoming a serious shortage of Primary Care doctors. We get our 15 minutes, often in a day that the system that pays our PCP requires them to at least see 100 patients. Or more per day. My husbands last pulmonologist told me it was not unusual for him to see 250 patients some days! I can’t remember details about 10, even trained could you honestly say you could be familiar enough to treat or diagnose hundreds in a day? Error free? That begs incredulity. Our PCPs operate mostly as a landing spot for all the other specialists we now must see, for 15 minutes, and to send their reports to. It is actually dangerous today to go to a doctor or hospital. I am not being facetious, it’s true. The fox is guarding the hen house, well disguised.

Do you remember that game we used to play at parties, where one person would whisper a story to another person next to them? Then that person did the same thing to the next person next to them, repeating the same story. And on and on until the story comes back to the first person who whispered it out. Only now he doesn’t recognize it as the story he first told. It’s now changed, a lot! Well that is how our health system functions. Imagine if you had to go to the hospital? A new doctor, or a hospitalist, another specialty, and another doctor and string of nurses totally unfamiliar with you, having to depend completely on what someone put in a computer. Remember when we were first learning about computers and mistakes happened all the time. We were told garage in and garbage out.

Here’s how it is most likely to work. We call in talk to the nurse, tell her/him our story. She makes us an appointment, takes notes between calls and starts a file on us and whomever else called. At the appointed time, We go in see the doctor for our 15 minutes. Half of that quarter hour he is reading the nurses notes, asks us a few questions, checks the boxes on the computer, watches the clock and has to decide what our problem is. Symptoms are Fatigue, palpitations, out of breath, sore mouth, itchy ears, joint pain, burning eyes and always thirsty. Our patient tells him its like having the flu every day.Mr. P tells the doctor he is very achy. These symptoms have been getting worse and he guesses he has had them for several weeks. The Doctor stands when times up, he’s ordered blood work to be drawn, and Mr. P. should come to see him again in 3 weeks. At 100 per day minimum, times 5 days a week, times 3 weeks. About 1500 or more office visits with various patients later.

Blood work results were loaded into the Electronic Health Record, by a nurse or lab or Hmm? ESR is a little high, not bad though CRP also, everything else looks good. Doctor decides it is probably a flu, or sinus infection. He will give an antibiotic, let’s see if we can get you better. Then the DR Says, ” he notices you can’t take penicillin?” You answer,” why not?” He states,” the record says you’re allergic to it”. ” AHH, not that I am aware of,” you tell him. And it begins. The errors. Fortunately Mr. P. was awake and responsive, alert and could correct the error.

Are you aware that more people die from medical error each year than only two other causes altogether? Over 250,000 people die and more are maimed, every year! Let that sink in a second. More than all types of accidents or shootings together. More than from Cancer, heart disease, car accidents etc every year!

So back now to our patient and his PCP. Doctor gave him a script for 750 mg of Cipro for 5 days. “Glad we caught the penicillin error,” Patient thinks, “Whewwww that could have been bad”. The patient leaves the office a little uneasy. He starts the script as directed because he wants to feel better. Within 72 hours he has developed horrible pain new in his left ankle and right elbow. Plus he continues to have all the symptoms he started with that sent him to a doctor to begin with.

He calls the doctors’ office frustrated and ill at ease. His new situation is relayed to the nurse, and she says she will let the doctor know. As he waits anxiously for a call back from the doctor his wife calls him to check in, she’s thoughtful that way. She had been researching her husbands symptoms and believes hubby may have Sjogrens Syndrome or another autoimmune issue. She tells him to look it up at the Mayo Clinic or Cleveland Clinic sites. PubMed or Johns Hopkins too. Good trustworthy informative sites loaded with information. It truly is a new day. If more patients used it more lives may be protected. Meanwhile the doctors’ office called back, and he was told to ice the joints that hurt and take a 500mg tylenol for the pain. Also, to come back to see him next week. An appointment is made and he goes to his computer. As long as he’s looking things up he decides to check out the side effects of Cipro, he is really hurting since he started taking it.

Now he is shocked! He immediately decides to stop taking the Cipro. He read that this is a broadspectrum antibiotic, made to kill anthrax! A Fluoroquinolone antibiotic which are very controversial. The FDA has labeled them to watch out for attacks on your tendons and ligaments plus these can literally change the mita chondria in your DNA.Aortic aneurysms are also possible. Another concern. Decides he will not finish the script.

The Sjogrens Syndrome research ticks off all the right boxes. It is an autoimmune disease that attacks moisture producing glands, the exocrine glands and others. The glands that are involved with creating moisture? We are mostly water in our bodies, so this could be difficult. The info suggests either a Rheumatologist or a Neurologist is preferred for treating Sjogrens. There is no cure but serious damage can occur if left untreated. Now he has a conundrum.

He wonders. Why didn’t the Doctor just give me the Penicillin? Didn’t he believe me when I said I wasn’t allergic to it? Why wasn’t Sjogrens considered as a diagnosis? Is it because I am a man and more women usually get it? Why wasn’t I informed of the Achilles tendon and ligament damage potential from the Cipro? Even after I called and informed them of my new pain? Questions galore and he felt worse. His body ached but no fever. Wouldn’t the flu cause a fever? Trust has left the room.

If no infection the Cipro can cause havoc in the body. It attacks soft tissue if it can’t find an infection to gobble.It is listed as a secondary medication, definitely not a first line medication. No warning from the doctor, why didn’t I read that pamphlet the pharmacist put in the bag with the pills? I will from now on and I will ask the doctor point-blank what the side effects are whenever I get a new medication. No I should always ask! Old or new.

Sometimes the article on the Fluoroquinolones said that the side effects may not show up for months or years. How would anyone ever put two and two together to know that a medication you took maybe 6months ago caused the problem? No I am going to ask about every prescription from here on. They are expensive medications, definitely more than the penicillin or any others I have had? Wondering why.

Next week he kept the appointment, being hardly able to walk or use his arms. Now both ankles, and elbows were inflamed and hurt worse than his original complaint had . He spent ten of the 15 minutes allotted for his appointment bombarding the doctor with questions. This week he had his wife accompany him to ask questions that he might forget to ask. He asked several times to be referred to a Rheumatologist because he was concerned he might have Sjogrens Syndrome. The doctor related that he didn’t believe the Cipro had caused any extra pain or harm since he gives it out often, and he never heard from a patient about anything like this. His drug Rep has told him these are excellent and safe. He prescribes it often as it will find any and all kinds of infections. That helps insure us there are less return visits from patients.( He didn’t mention that many insurance companies and medicaid and medicare won’t pay for return visits anymore). It is supposed to be an incentive for the medical practices to do a better job getting it right the first time. Except the good intentions back fired. Now the doctors are using nuclear weapons to kill off mosquitoes. Follow the money. Our doctor works for a large corporate hospital affiliation, he is an employee.

All those new rules, insisted on by insurers are causing real conundrums.

To top it off the doctor was not aware of the current black box warning on the medication. The most dangerous warning a pharmaceutical can get. The patient was refreshing the mind of the doctor, but the primary companies protocol called for him to use it. So the doctor not being aware ignored the warning.

The doctor ordered more blood work looking for autoimmune markers. He would make the referral based on the outcome of the blood test. Our patient asked for the referral now anyway since the blood work doesn’t always show the markers every time. The doctor agreed, and He was told the nurse would put in a referral and call him when it was set up. It took 3 weeks to get the call, and another two weeks to get into see the doctor. Meanwhile the blood work confirmed the Sjogrens titre was elevated. Becoming an astute patient he began drinking water, a lot of water which every article his research taught him said that was an imperative now and always. If indeed this is Sjogrens Syndrome, the Rheumatologist would need to decide if it was primary or secondary before initiating any treatment plan. His hope now was that this particular Rheumatologist was familiar with the disease. Researchers warned in the literature that even though it is not as rare a disease as once thought many doctors and medical schools are way behind the curve on it. Rare difficult to treat disease syndromes are not money makers, unless progressed significantly. Patient P has decided being his families advocate seems to be the prudent thing to do.

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Patient P. asked for a copy of all of his blood work to take with him to his appointment in two more weeks. His wife was going along and would take notes. He also asked the nurse from the doctor if the error about the penicillin had been removed from his file. No, It was still there. He instructed her to remove it asap! She said she would. But needed to discuss it with the doctor first. One can only hope.

Color and the Brain

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In the category of Medical Advocacy one particular facet of benefiting patients and staff that is hardly ever mentioned, is the use of color. It’s also home for my love of Decor and Design which helped support my family for decades. I am semi retired. Some things you just can not quit.

  • Color is well known to enhance learning, memory, performance, rest, over and under stimulation, relaxation and energy usage. Color is part of the electromagnetic spectrum, and in its purest form is energy. Did you know that pure color has its singular function in the Electromagnetic Spectrum? Each Color even has its own wave lengths? Energy that goes to the brain….. What if we told you that colors can affect neurological pathways in the brain? And that they can create a biochemical response?
  • Personally I believe it’s clear that color has been overlooked for far too long. Dr. Robert Gerard recognizes this and has pioneered research, which suggests that every color has a specific wavelength, and each of these affect our body and brain in a different way. Our children, the ill, our businesses, class rooms, hospitals, have overlooked this strong component in everyday life.

How Do Colors Influence Learning?

Learning is a difficult field to understand, and there’s so much research out there discussing these issues that it’s hard to know where to begin. What’s pretty obvious though is that color plays a key role in creating an environment that fosters learning and behavior. So is spatial planning, but we will get into that in another blog. Soon.

So let’s talk about color – What colors help learning? Mood? What colors might be annoying or distracting to students? And how can we mitigate some risk taking? For instance, we would never want to place someone who becomes easily bored, or one who has a hard time with concentration, or focus in a red environment. They would not relax and would likely devolve even more. Nor should someone easily stimulated, or has ADHD in an all orange or red room. Neither of these groups should be placed in the same color space for any significant period. Chaos could ensue and learning curtailed or at the very least subdued.. t


Some people are of the mind set that “Colors aren’t important.”Oh yeah – then how do you explain traffic lights, warning signs, and rainbows? Color is important.

Using the right color, and the correct selection and placement can seriously affect feelings, attention, and behavior when learning and in living. It’s time that we leveraged that to our advantage. Even research with Alzheimer’s patients has shown that color cues improve memory and that students recall images in color more easily than images in black and white – amazing, right?

Now listen, we’re not expecting you to be the next Picasso– but a fundamental understanding of which colors work will benefit you to no end. So that’s what I would like to do now. We’ll be going through a few colors and have a look at what they could mean to you and your family or business needs– and the biological response they can elicit. Realizing of course, that this isn’t a definitive science. And there are a myriad of colors. For the sake of space we will only look at a humble few of today’s most popular.

There are unique elements to color choice. We all have our favorites or colors we can’t stand. (Mine is beige, ugh) It might even be that you’re scared of blue because you’re scared of water? Or prefer purples because it makes you feel regal? However, what we’re going for here is a broad-strokes approach that helps us appeal to the most people with the right colors for a variety of projects. Obviously, in a one on one design consultation personal preferences and needs would be pulled out and considered. For instance your son or daughter might be visual learners? (Like me).

1) Green: Concentration

You probably know this already, since we just talked about it a bit, and just by taking a look at a forest or a field. Low wavelength colors promote restfulness and calm, and they improve efficiency and focus.

So that’s why green is an excellent color for improving concentration. Apart from being one of the easiest colors on the eyes, it reminds us of nature. That’s why TV stars stay in the ‘green room’. It’s a relaxing space. A patient with serious hypertension a green environment could be very beneficial.

Green is a good color for keeping long-term concentration and clarity, making it a good choice for an office – as opposed to red, which is seen as stimulating and exciting. Maybe it helps in the short term, but stimulation has to tail off sometimes.

Interestingly enough, there’s some real scientific evidence for this. Some studies have shown that people who work in green offices have higher rates of job satisfaction, and consumers have been shown to spend more time shopping in stores that are painted green . Did you notice how many restaurants have green in the decor? It stimulates the appetite and relaxes you into staying for awhile. Maybe order that last piece of pecan pie. Which reminds us that in our homes and we are dieting we need to repaint the green kitchen, to blue.

Another study, led by Dr. Kate Lee, examined 150 university students. She gave the group a boring, monotonous task that dragged their attention span to a breaking point, pressing a series of numbers over and over as they read off a computer screen. The students were told not to press keys when the number three appeared on the screen. Then break time came, and in a 40-second window half of the group viewed a green roof, while the others looked out onto a bare concrete roof. Amazingly, the research showed that students who looked at the green view made fewer errors and had overall better concentration.

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Dr. Lee hypothesizes that the green roof provided a ‘restorative experience’ which helped boost the mental resources of the students involved in the study. If true, that’s a major consideration. Lee believes that just a moment of looking at a green space could provide a moment of revitalization for workers who were struggling to concentrate. This brings up the day dreamers in our midst, always staring out the window to the outside, Lawns, trees etc. Helps some of us actually tolerate an environment were in better, but they do not know why. Now we do.

2) Orange: Mood Lifter

Think about the orange sun setting over the horizon. Nice, right? It’s true, orange can be a welcoming and mood-lifting color for all of us, which in turn promotes comfort and improves neural functioning.

Some theorists argue that an environment rich in the color orange increases the oxygen supply to the brain, stimulating mental activity while simultaneously loosening peoples’ inhibitions. An increased oxygen supply also leads to feeling invigorated and getting ready to ‘get things done.’ Some have even suggested that test centers be painted orange to stimulate exam-takers.

But this comes at a cost – avoid bolder orange colors if your children are young and naturally energetic. Or a teenager with hormones in over drive? This isn’t a good color for those prone to over stimulation ,for instance if your group of students have attention deficit hyperactive disorder or another health concern which leads to easy distraction you might want a soft green classroom with a little orange scattered in art work, or floor tiles. The tone of both those colors are vital also.

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That’s not it on the science for orange, though – many studies have found that when colors are used to emphasize a feature or piece of content on the screen, childrens attention levels increase. Of course, the best colors for this are warm colors, like orange. So we can say that when you’re looking to highlight certain facts or important information, orange can be a better choice than the traditional red. But, because of its energy and brightness, orange can be an overwhelming choice. Orange is, in other words, best in small doses. Remember that green restaurant with the pecan pie? It probably has orange accents here and there, or in a pattern on the chair covers, window apparel, etc.

The secrets of orange were known in ancient China too – in Feng Shui, orange is seen as a “yang” color which stimulates focus and promotes organization . Of course, we need to remember that brightness and saturation also come into it, (also known as tone and tint) and too bright a color will probably give you a headache! Looking to the experts, color psychologist Angela Wright states that bright orange hues stimulate while low saturation is more soothing. So for boosting energy, go bold, and for relaxing, go mellow. Makes sense, huh?

So to close out orange as a color, it can be used to highlight key facts and figures, communicate energy, life, and activity. Orange is a vibrant color that demands attention, giving it an edge as a choice for highlighting. But again, use with caution! The same for yellow.

Blue: Productivity 

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Some research suggests that people with highly intellectual work, which requires a high cognitive load, for instance, programmers or academics, are more productive in a blue environment. That said, though; we can’t keep life too monochromatic – it should be balanced with warmer colors. These can be found by using the opposite side of the color wheel. Certain blues illicit sleep, others require a fireplace to be lit.

Blue is best used for learning situations which are challenging. Blue paper, blue ink, or blue highlighting can be used to help improve reading comprehension too. Blue in general it seems is a relaxing and calming color, but lighter shades will seem more ‘friendly’ while darker ones seem a little more somber.

Back to the experts, many color psychologists recommend using blue colors, but adding a bit of extra kick with orange, especially for highlighting information (like we mentioned earlier!).

So in summary, blue is great for promoting high levels of thought, but too much can create a sense of detachment and coldness.


Color me convinced

Hopefully, by now you’re having a dramatic rethink of the color of your businesses, your house, and maybe even your car. That’s great – Remember, color is fundamental to the human experience. It’s a huge part of our lives and our perceptions, and we should leverage that in our day to day living. Meanwhile …….If you would like more info…you can find me right here. Follow me , more is to pop out soon


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You know that whatchamacallit Disease!

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As an entrepreneur most of my life female bias was no stranger. We were well introduced, not friends however. Gender bias is huuuuuge in the medical profession, just under the massive bias often found in business. So being a woman with more than one complex chronic medical condition you have no idea the kinds of barriers that were continually being placed in my diagnostic path. That being said, it’s partly the reason I was forged into the strong woman, yes even some called bitchy category. Men don’t care for strong attitudes and that also goes for most women. But it saved lives, mine and two children, one husband. Many friends.

There is no telling how many were impacted and saved until God releases the information when our books are opened at the last day. If even one I will rejoice.

Professionalism, courtesy were always my upfront attitude in life and business. Be nice not obnoxious, get more accomplished with honey and all that. My clients were all priority right after that of faith and family. But, Nothing could trigger my other side more than disloyalty, being lied to and that of patronization.

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It was stress and aging that forced me to spend more energy and time with medical persons, I developed heart disease. CAD, Afib, etc. It ran in my family and type A people. It took at least 5 various cardiologists, a multiplicity of tests to finally figure out all the intricacies involved in my heart (and a Godly intervention of an angel Dr and his wife showing up at just the right exact time) and then to develop a therapeutic regimen that worked! Yayyy .

Women don’t present the same as men. Especially in our cardiac symptomology or even the female cardiac structure . Being a younger patient than most text books reflect, all worked to have made the process worse than it needed to be.

Thinking out of the box does not come easy for doctors, they prefer the old trusty ways they were taught back in school. Or also called the good old days! The protocols taught are safety nets for them, however people are not all alike. One protocol is not THE protocol for the next person. That’s not all a bad thing but a great deal of it is.

And then there were: Spinal problems, chased and chaffed me for years. I had been given a miserable condition,’ Adhesive Arachnoiditis’ by a medical error! A long and miserable story, the long and short of it being it is incurable, very rare and it took a team of lawyers to get the medical profession to fess up and climb on board. I had been patronized, lied to and misdiagnosed repeatedly. So for the year plus while learning to walk again I set out to find out what the hell happened to me in that hospital in 1981. Why I woke up on the operating table during spinal surgery, paralyzed and unable to communicate with the OR staff. I could not let them know I was awake. Awake in excruciating pain and listening to them. Let me tell you that kind of thing will give you a real attitude!

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The good news from that experience was the stopping of the usage and removal from the market of the worst of those medications in the US. Also, helping to save others from the same disabling and even worse experience. The medications that were harmful to me and @200 others, and killed @ six was only part of the problem. The way it was administered is continuing to this day. Spinal injections. Although the medical literature is replete with how even water, and our blood (not someone else s but our own) mixed into the sterile spinal fluid and canal is not recognized as safe. Many doctors inject chemicals routinely into the fragile spinal canal. The damages of Arachnoiditis (fibrosing of the Arachnoid layer( just under the Dura in the spinal cord), can show up anywhere from the first to the twentieth year later! Paraplegia, horrid pain, unrelenting torment as the damage progresses through the canal and cord. Eventualy to limbs even the brain.

Spinal injections are big money makers, quick money and the recourse from it easily denied. Time is not the patients friend in these procedures. Please do all you can to familiarize with the condition and the procedure. Adhesive Arachnoiditis. Then say no to it.

How do you feel about coincidences? As far as I am concerned there is no such thing. That is why I am so happy to meet you! Hope to see you here again, come on back, I’ll put the coffee on.

WOE TO US!

Woe to us who sojourn where we should not, that we dwell among the people of Molech and Baal, the tents of Kedar.The land of Meshech. Today we have to live in the center of just as an ungodly world as it was back in Christs Day, and it will not be of any help for us to cry, “woe is me!”

Jesus did not pray for us to be taken out of the world, so we should not want what He doesn’t want for us. He will meet us in His strength at our point of need and will be glorified. We should not run but stand firm where God has placed us. Others, friend and foe are watching as we handle what comes against us. Our consistency is necessary in our conduct so as not to cast aspersions upon our Lord. As Daniel, we must compel men to notice our goodness not more sin. Dan.6:5 That the world can find no need for complaint against us.

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There are good, bad and ugly behaving people in this world.

There are also good, bad and ugly places to live in this world. We should be found doing good, being useful to God wherever we live. We must exhort all the more if where we are found living is in a bad or ugly place, or job, or home. The worse the people are among you the more they need you to lovingly exhort. Your exertions: if they are crooked, all the more we need to set them straight: and if they are perverse they need us to turn their proud hearts to the truth. Where is the best place for a doctor? Where the sick are. A soldier needs to be in the battle to win his honor.

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Where temptations have come and in cases overwhelmed a loved one, friends, or even family, we must stay the course. Entreat strong men or women in the faith to come up alongside the wandering prideful soul, encouraging, rebuking, loving them back unto the way. In Christs love. In the faith. Entreating them to leave the false idols, the false promises of Baal. The destruction of life as in Molech.

Many times the idol being worshiped is our selfish pride or ego. It can also be worldly recognition or popularity . Often times it is money or a job that we put before our Lord.For all that is in the world, the lust of the flesh and the lust of the eyes and the boastful pride of life, is NOT from the Father, but is from the world.1Jn 2;16. In those cases we must remind them or ourselves, ‘what good is it if we gain this but lose our soul’?

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JER 17:9 “The heart is more deceitful than all else And is desperately wicked, who can understand it?”

Let us behave properly as in the day, Not in carousing and drunkenness not in sexual promiscuity and sensuality, not in strife and jealousy. But put on the Lord Jesus Christ, and make no provision for the flesh in regard to lusts.

Matt7:13-14Enter through the narrow gate. For wide is the gate and broad is the road that leads to destruction ,and many enter through it.14. But small is the gate and narrow the road that leads to life, and only a few find it.

When we get weary of the strife we should not forget we are not alone. Others have suffered like us and the world was never made easy for our fore bearers nor will we be carried around on soft pillows. We will not be crowned until we have endured hardship. In many cases multiple hardships. We must run this race to the end, being firm in the faith, being courageous and being strong!

In the midst of a crooked and twisted generation, among who you shine as lights in the world.

Gracious Savior dwell with me:

I myself would gracious be,

and with words that help and heal

would thy life in mine reveal

and with actions bold and meek

would for Christ my Savior speak.

Stubborn? Who Me?

Oh, say it can’t be so. Please. I have been told that I have been this many times. Foolishly thinking that it meant a good thing, like being strong. Boy was I wrong! According to the dictionary it is anything but …..a good thing… It actually means to be more like Satan and his cronies! Per the secular dictionary :

stub·born/ˈstəbərn/ Learn to pronounce adjectiveadjective: stubborn

  1. Having or showing dogged determination not to change one’s attitude or position on something, especially despite good arguments or reasons to do so.”a stubborn refusal to learn from experience”synonyms:obstinate, stubborn as a mule, mulish, headstrong, willful, strong-willed, self-willed, pigheaded, bull-headed, obdurate, awkward, difficult, contrary, perverse, recalcitrant, refractory; More firm, adamant, resolute, dogged, persistent, pertinacious, inflexible, iron-willed, uncompromising, uncooperative, unaccommodating, intractable, unbending, unyielding, unmalleable, unadaptable; rock-ribbed; informal stiff-necked; informal bolshie, bloody-minded; informal balky; archaic contumacious, forward “you’re too stubborn to admit it”antonyms:compliant, docile, humble

This definition explains the reason for my divorce from my first husband. The man I loved, thought was my soul mate. Who promised me love and honor. Instead I found his stubbornness. An aloofness. Which eventually became to my mind a form of disinterest in me and our life together, and a form of betrayal to me and our wedding vows.. He did not think of us, as one. He thought of himself, his wants, wishes. His pride encouraging him along the way, his actions spoke saying being right was of sole importance. That is wrongheaded thinking then and now. By the end my spitefulness and stubbornness pushed me to divorce. My pastor talked with me about it but I could not get around the impenetrable walls. Thick walls I had built to protect myself from the pain he made me feel. Before I knew it there was no more feeling for him or our union at all. I was shunned. To say people were displeased would be putting it mildly.

Pride! And sadly this is what God hates. While those not in God’s household are confused and think, as I used to think also, that it’s a good thing! 1Pet.5:6-7 tells why God hates pride. We are to clothe ourselves in humility! Pride wants us to be king, to be exalted. No, we are to lift others and certainly our spouses!

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Which is the worst thing to be? God has decided and one is no better….equally a lost state to live in. An over indulgent urge to exalt ourselves over others.

Pride means:(per the same dictionary)

  1. A feeling or deep pleasure (big headed, conceited,)or satisfaction derived from one’s own achievements, the achievements of qualities or possessions that are widely admired.”he takes great pride in his appearance” · synonyms:pleasure · joy · delight · gratification · fulfillment · satisfaction ·
  2. consciousness of one’s own dignity.”he swallowed his pride and asked for help”synonyms:self-esteem · dignity · honor · self-respect · ego · self-worth · self-image ·
  3. confidence and self-respect as expressed by members of a group, typically one that has been socially marginalized, based on their shared identity, culture, and experience.”the bridge was lit up in rainbow colors, symbolic of LGBT pride” · Self Self Self….sort of explains it, right?
  4. literally the best state or condition of something; the prime.”in the pride of youth”

Do you see why God hates Pride, the Proud, The haughty?

Stubbornness and pride both can be glaringly obvious and wrong or subtle and deceptively sneaky.

It is all about self! To pass for more than we are, to hide our defects. Prov. 16:18 Pride goes before a fall. There is no glory to God, to His Creation, His Plan, His Gifts, His outworking. It is the feeling that man is an equal to God. As in self-esteem. Pride is at the heart of bullying and entitlement.Prov.13:10 ‘Pride only breeds quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice”.

Being proud however of an accomplishment, a deed well done, is not the same. Especially if we have thanked God for it and recognize He made the way possible.

While being proud of another or their accomplishment is not the same as self exalting. That is more uplifting which is what we should be doing. Giving God some praise or glory for those who succeed are a beautiful thing.

man couple people woman
“Come to me , all of you who are weary and carry heavy burdens, and I will give you rest” Mathew 11:28
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It wasn’t until the Lord revealed that I was equally, if not more responsible in that divorce that I felt safe enough to try again in another marriage. That is where I ran into more ego, pride and stubbornness again. My second husband was as bad as the first and worse because now anger and addiction were involved. Scared yet certain that another divorce was not the answer, I prayed. This time I recognized what was going on, I gave it to the Lord to deal with, and to help me change. I would never break the cycle on my own. It was in me my pride and stubbornness and a familiarity with those tendencies was under pinning my poor choices. God heard my pleas and began His transforming of us both. That marriage lasted until death did us part. We became more than husband and wife, we became best friends. A life @ 35 years together with trials weathered. Mountaintop experiences and low swampy valley times that only a mixed family of yours mine and ours might understand. By no stretch was it made easy, it was not. We were having strong arms baring us up, creating pathways and our characters were being forged. We persevered because we loved God more than ourselves and were transformed.

silhouette of man touching woman against sunset sky

Jesus was my center first. Then Jesus was center of both our lives. We had to get out of each others way to let God work in us.

I have no idea how a marriage without Christ at its core could ever make it in today’s culture

Marriage a sacred gift inside which families are born and grow. A lovely picture for us of Christ and His Church. God Bless all who enter this blessed union. SS

Art Thou Converted?

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Such was the free Grace of God to me. That though corruption has worked strongly in my soul, yet I can recall very early movings of The Blessed Spirit upon my heart. Often I had early convictions of sin and some persons made it their business to tease me.

Mathew 19:14 Jesus said, Let the little children come to me, and do not hinder them, for the kingdom belongs to such as these.

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Matthew 7:21-23 Wherefore by their fruits ye shall know them. 21 Not every one that saith unto me, Lord, Lord, shall enter into the kingdom of heaven; but he that doeth the will of my Father which is in heaven. 22 Many will say to me in that day, Lord, Lord, have we not prophesied in thy name? And in thy name have cast out devils? And in thy name done many wonderful works? 23 And then will I profess unto them, I never knew you: depart from me, ye that work iniquity.

From what Jesus said it is possible to stand in this wonderful place and preach or teach His Gospel – And yet still be lost. It is possible to be a great missionary who – confronting devil possessed people – can cast out devils – and yet still be lost. You could run an orphanage, or go on missions, and minister to those in need – and still be lost. You can pastor a mega-church or a mini-church, or lead the worship services, or serve in the choir, and still be lost. The danger of wolves being in sheeps clothing is real. We must and with the guidance of the Holy Spirit now living within us discern the truth. ‘Dear friends, do not believe every spirit, but test the spirits to see whether they are from God because many false prophets have gone out into the world.’ 1John 4:1 Our excellent news is that Our Lord promised not to lose any of His Children, given to Him by The Father. We will not fall out or be plucked out of His hands. We need to be wary at all times. For instance there is a false thought encircling the church by more than a few members that misleads them into thinking that responding to an altar call or answering an invitation saved them. When we meet Jesus on that last day He may ask us how we know we are saved? Any answer starting with well I did this or that, any answer with I starting it is a problem. Our choosing Him is an answer to His call, He died for our sins, if not yours He did mine. I know that my sins put Christ on that cross. If there was not any other person who sinned, “we know we all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God,”” Salvation is found in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given to mankind by which we may be saved.”

We accept the gift understanding all of it, even our answering is from God’s call first.. Planned since the beginning of time. ” For God so loved the world that He gave His only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life.”

Baptism does not save. Rather it bears witness to already believing.

I was six when I was Baptized. At Cross Lutheran Church in Milwaukee. I remember it well, I took it to heart. I felt so special to God, but with questions. Why did my God Parents get to speak on my behalf, to answer the Pastors questions and not me? I was right there! I believe in Jesus why didn’t anyone ask me? So I told them anyway, “Yes I do” I spoke out and everyone around me said “shhhh”.

Note that this verse in Galatians clearly the word Believes comes first. Believing not just in Christ, but Believing Christ. Christ as God, What He says, expects and gives. Christ as your personal Savior, Believing you personally are a sinner, Believing you personally need saving! When faith in Christ takes hold Repentance will naturally follow. We will bare witness to Him. We all try at various times to change, give up our bad habits, turn from our sins. At least those sins we already know of. But we fail. Over and again with good intentions, yet we fail.

Several years after my Baptism while reading my Bible and teaching Sunday school when I could, more questions began to haunt me. The Lutheran Church I had been raised in couldn’t answer them for me. My pastor would sit and talk about these with me for long periods of time without being able to answer them with a biblical backup. The question I asked during my Baptism was one of them. Why do they teach that without Baptism you can’t be saved? How can a stand person in know how the child will eventually believe, turn out? How many actual God Parents are Godly and will keep the vow they are making before God? The thief on the cross didn’t get baptized. Baptism is extremely important but thinking it saves any of us is wrong. There is not one instance of infant baptism found in the Bible. Dedications yes for infants and small children but that is not the same thing. It is an apple in an orange grove. Baptism should take place when we are old enough (even a child, old enough who can express their faith) to understand it’s important meaning. It is a sacrament after all, which to me means God takes it seriously. We should heed this as well. When God tells us to believe and be baptized, I don’t read anything wishy-washy or anything maybe suggested about it.. He said Do it. To have faith, even if as small as a mustard seed is a great gift. Somewhere that seed was planted in our heart, then watered, weeded and is now just sprouting. Faith like that of a child is the absolute best kind of faith.

Whole family baptism actually started in the 1700s. Some family members baptized were children, babies, so others spoke for them. That does not make it Biblical, it also won’t save you. It’s putting the horse before that cart. According to George Whitfield a great man of God, Baptizing of infants was first made aware to him during his days preaching in the coal mining towns in and around London while working with the Wesley Bros. Also, King Constantine, quite a believer thought it was a good idea to increase the church numbers this way.

That it may be a convenience for some was stated but again I can’t find it anywhere in the Bible. Remember however, I am no great theological scholar. I let my conscience/Spirit be my guide.

WE as believers need to hear Gods call, understand His word and answer for ourselves. A few other weighty questions were a part of the reason my family and I left that Church and found a strict Bible believing teaching non-denominational church group to join. This is not to say that Lutherans or other mainline denominations are not wonderful, believers. They certainly led me to the point of faith, wonder and choice. Being Lutheran did not lose me. God knows His from before their birth. Even though they do not preach on being born again which created a conundrum for me when I was born again. Mainly I didn’t know exactly what was happening to me but I loved whatever it was. Ecstasy, joy I certainly couldn’t shushhh up anymore. I realized what was happening to me from the Bible itself and a Presbyterian Pastor and a Baptist both speaking on the Christian radio. I asked questions of anyone who might know about Jesus and never stopped. Exactly as Jesus teaches He will find us and call us out from anywhere and everywhere. I was actually on a Jesuit retreat when I heard the call of all places. Being silent, listening and responding to Gods teachings. How diverse is that. I can say easily no religion saved me. Purely Jesus.

The New Birth is required. Jn3:3, “Truly truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the Kingdom of God. “ We need a new heart, or we end up believing like Satan and his followers. They all know Jesus exists, they know all about Him and the Bible. But they do not submit to Jesus nor to the Bible. They certainly don’t follow it, quite to the contrary. The carnal world finds the things of God foolish. Their eyes are blinded to spiritual things nor can they hear them, the unbeliever is dead spiritually speaking. Only God can awaken the Spirit through Faith, by His Grace.

Jn 10:27 “My Sheep hear my voice and I know them and they follow me.”Jn10:15 “..even as the Father knows me and I know The Father, and I lay down My life for the sheep.”

Gifts are given to us all for many occasions but do not belong to the recipient until they were received and opened.

We follow Him by His Word, by His example, especially upon conversion. I have yet to meet another convert who does not know when they were converted. Undergoing a heart transplant is hard to miss. The transformation begins and grows in us until the Lord sends for us to be with Him forever. Making us more like Him. Just as in most families there is a resemblance, a trait or characteristic that automatically links you to your parents and family. The same is true of our Father, making us more like Him that there should come a time when all who know us will know of our Christian heritage. Even though we are adopted our mannerisms, habits desires will become more like our new family in Christ. If it doesn’t something is wrong. Have people noticed a change in you? For example, several years after my conversion my husband and I were having a conversation. One of those chats most couples wish they didn’t need. A comment he made to me at that time struck me in the heart. He had been relaying some of my faults that he was unhappy with, as I had been also. When he said that he missed the woman he married. That I was not her, and that I had changed a lot! I rejoiced, he thought I had slipped a gear or two. He had not yet been converted and was still looking through the fogged up lens with eyes adorned by scales. His ears were still closed to spiritual things. We spoke well into the evening and at a point I offered him the opportunity to leave our marriage. I showed him in the Bible where it gives an unbeliever that option. I also pointed out that as long as he stayed he was benefiting from sanctification. That was the evening of his spiritual ground being furrowed (again) and the seed being planted. He opted to stay. We spent just short of 35 years together. My change took place in the third year of our marriage. He went home to be with the Lord a believer!

There are times of failing for all believers, we will slip and even fall for a while. We are indeed a work in progress, but we won’t be comfortable being away from our Father and church family for any significant amount of time. We will come back in deep repentance and faith, calling Abba Father. Sooner than later. A beautiful work progressing. Bearing witness to Christ because we can’t not.

I Am A Zebra!

Hey, your kind a cute……….

A Little Radiculousness in slaying the Monsters Hiding in Our Health Care!

I Am A ZEBRA! yup…..

It really is a thing and Yes, my mental Health Insurance is paid.

Not all Zebras are alike. Despite their appearance, zebras aren’t just black and white.

We, like our Zebra counterpart are sturdy, spirited animals that are a study in contrasts: willful and playful, social and standoffish, resilient and vulnerable. Our life in a herd can be complex, yet we also find safety in numbers. We, both types, Human and Equid can be prey for predators, but are by no means shrinking violets when it comes to defending ourselves. Read between the lines, and you’ll discover that the world of the Zebra is colorful indeed!

Our pastures often include areas one would not normally expect to find Zebras trotting along in. We can be often found in Medical Communities. Where we roam in office buildings, Hospitals, Research facilities or Laboratories. We can often be seen trotting to medical research or medical studies.

There are many varieties of Zebras, all with a variety of Stripes: White with black or black with white? Even some brown intermingled can be found.However, (there had to be a catch, right?), some Zebras are born with genetic variations that make them all black with white stripes, or mostly dark with the striped pattern on just part of their coats. And as it turns out, Zebras have black skin underneath their hair. It depends on how you look at it!

So, why the stripes you ask? They serve as a kind of protection from predators! They are also used for recognition. Our Stripes, our unique differences are not just for graphic design.

When all, especially we human kind zebras are grouped together, per our stripes we are better able to find support. Especially today, thanks to the internet! These Support Groups are vital to our existence. When combined in a group our symptoms ( stripes ) of various kinds make it easier for pharmaceutical companies, Medical Equipment companies and our doctors to hear and see us… Even, to pick out one type of zebra (condition) to follow. Zebra stripes are unique to each individual, and researchers in the field have used Zebras’ individual symptom patterns for identification. While in a herd, we can show our unique needs and strength, gaining recognition that might even lead to treatments for our rare disease or syndrome.

Personally, I belong to a couple of special rare Zebra herds. One with a large stripe down its spine called Arachnoiditis. It runs from the forelock area or Mane (cervical) to the back through the tail. The cauda equina region! The CES which gives many of us significant problems. It is usually caused by a medical error, or TB, and rarely meningitis. Although doctors prefer to say the cause is idiopathic. That Sounds better. Adhesive Arachnoiditis is a miserably painful scarring problem within the spinal canal, so you can just imagine how difficult this is to live with. It is also progressive.

Another herd of these rare Zebras has side stripes that wrap around our heads and ears, the faces often entirely. Called the Trigeminal Neuralgia herd. I can often be found trotting around in there. Softly trotting, since movement aggravates TN. Trigeminal Neuralgia note: If the stripes are fairly equal in size and color on both sides of the head that would be an even rarer subset of this Zebra herd. The bilateral herd., (Mine, wouldn’t you just know it, I have the rarest of the rare disease. (Go figure.)

The Atypical TN herd is quite hard to diagnose and none of the TN herds are easily treated. It is a painful chronic progressive rare disease. Consisting usually of at least the 5th cranial nerve (out of 12) entering from the base of the skull. It’s original name in France was The Tic Douloureux today it is also known as the Suicide Disease. And for good reason!

The herd which is among the rarest yet most likely among the largest is the Microvascular Coronary Disease, also known as the Small Vessel Disease herd.

The reason for this condition to be so rare as I understand it is because our Cardiovascular doctors through their education process were mostly taught and studied with and for men. By men for men. I don’t think it was meant to be that way, but men took for granted the two genders were more alike than we really are. Many, more women die of cardiac issues than men. It kills more women than death from all cancers combined! Well this is the 21st Century and changes are needed.

Recently some very bright informed women began a study about this phenomenon. Called the WISE study. The study was done in Maryland and opened the eyes and minds of the Cardiology professionals to the profound error of leaving women out from the studies and those missing results from text books. The WISE study is going a long way to explain the unique differences in the male and female bodies. Who knew? Apparently not many men. But I digress.

As medical Zebras we have a narrow road to follow. Today we have turned a corner but the road continues to be narrow, so now our path is curvy and narrow.

Since most medical schools that train our doctors train them to assist only the largest most relevant issues and species,(the horse) which is also the most prevalent. For reasons which likely include more $$$ profit, and a larger group of patients to be helped. (I am not at all cynical)lol

Because of all this, when the doctors hear the sounds of a herd or even a single four-legged animal moving toward them that sounds like an animal with hooves, tails swishing. They think horse. Equines and Equids all have similar traits characteristics. But like men and women they are very different.

The training these doctors spent years learning kicks in at the sound out of habit and treatment for the patient is started. But, when these patients don’t get better, the MD or DO or Chiropractor or PA becomes frustrated. Even confused. They try again, with the same poor results. This now is when the relationship between doctor and patient begins to suffer. The patient begins to think this doctor is inept or worse doesn’t care. The doctor assumes the patient is either not taking the treatment, otherwise known as non-compliant, or it’s all in her head. Especially if the patient is a mare! Stallions get a lot more effort as a usual rule.

The doctor, by his patients newly acquired and necessary Patient Advocate (more on that to follow) refers him to the internet sites from the keywords containing the patients symptoms. or hands him/her a file of information on this patients records and testing, Guess what pops up?

Now the doctor can understand what has really been going on. Because he was treating a Zebra and not a horse. .

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Hey Its Just Me!

About me it asks? Yikes…… Well here goes…..I am a passionate and spirited mature woman of faith. Faith in God, My Lord and Savior always comes first in my life. Also, I am a mom, of four. I was a wife 3 times, 2 times widowed. That was rough! Rougher in every way more than I ever thought it would be.! I had no understanding of what the loss of a spouse entails. I was caretaker to each of them until they passed from their medical error catastrophes.. So after the last one passed I decided enough. Not that a companion wouldn’t be nice since always being a fifth wheel is not. But I am done with the idea of any long term relationship . I could not experience that kind of loss again.

I believe God has a purpose for this single oneness He has me in today. So, I will wait as He slowly reveals His plan for me to come. That is just fine with me. I know those plans are going to be interesting and challenging at the very least. I also know good will come from it.

I am also a braggadocious Grand mom, Stepmom, Aunt, Sister, Cousin, and Friend of many. A woman who has much to say about a great deal. An Opinionated INTJ personality. I was born this way so what I can do is try to use the golden rule as often as I can. You don’t know about INTJ’s? That’s easily remedied, google it. There aren’t many of us which I heard from some is a good thing. Ha, it’s all about perception. We are frustrating to be around I am told. Mainly because we are right. About almost anything and unrelenting. Just ask us. It is by MBTI standards the personality called the Mastermind.  So by popular demand, (actually a few friends and family suggested that I write down a few of my experiences, notions, opinions. Certainly not so I wouldn’t drive them all crazy with my thoughts and comments)? Right?

‘Oh For crying out loud’ was born. Born once in 2015 and then, Born again. More Recently. Now it is ‘Oh For Crying Out Loud & it’s Echoes’. I know it’s a long name, but I have trouble with being short. We all have our faults, I am A work in progress.

As the Good Lord has seen to bless my life with many diverse and rare maladies along with a humongous family, really large and in its fullness of unique and rare nutty complex diagnoses. It seemed fitting to share the oft time mountainous climb many of us experienced through our trips and travails of medical errors and not. We learn by sharing, not only things but experiences, knowledge and in doing we help others. We give up privacy and risk ridicule and humiliation, but how else would you know what helps, works, or doesn’t

Well enough about all that……for now. Blessings and hugs to you and I pray you are helped by my little blog, insights, theories, stories and thoughts. Which more will follow soon. The Lord willing.

  Until later……SS . View more posts

Diagnostic Satisfaction ? You’re kidding, right?

I have hesitated on this because I realize many will refuse to understand the purposes of writing these out for the world. These expose the raw underbelly of much of my existence. Yes it is private. But these are real experiences. How else can anyone who may be going through these similarly painful experiences know they are not alone? It really is helpful to others going through it. I am thanked often for sharing my experiences. We all need validating and understanding. And it is Cathartic. It is not drama. Personally I also believe everything happens for a reason.

FACT: Women are unlucky at the doctor’s office.

There are many unenlightened medical professionals out there. Not all male either. I have run into more than my fair share.

They really do not understand all the many variances in the female body as compared to our male counterparts. Women are not all anxious, nervous wrecks. Subject to the vapors as they called it back in the day!! We are complex human beings, individuals. So complex that we are dying at a much faster rate than men in heart attacks. Mainly because cardiovascular studies throughout history have been done on men. By men. For men. A recent study (the WISE study) informed the world that women die at such a volume from heart disease compared to our husbands and fathers that ignoring the statistics, is now become impossible. Women have been given wrong erroneous radiculous diagnosis even when exhibiting the same symptoms as men. Which is rare, but telling, right?

Our entire genetic make up is not the same as it is in men. Hormones, systems, genomes you name it ours is not like theirs. The issues in fighting for help to find a diagnosis with my CAD (coronary artery disease) took over 10 years to get a straight diagnosis and at least as many doctors. A great many stress tests failed, pokes, probes, labs, fear and frustration finally gave way.  

Back in 2000 I had a major break through. A wonderful Cardiologist from the Cleveland Clinic (Dr. Barrett and his wife, also his PA) signed up for a short stint at the Medical Clinic we belonged to through my husbands Union benefit. Dr. B. introduced me to exhilaration! To new hope, he promised to find and treat what was going on in my heart. He validated that it was my heart!.

New studies and information recently published gave him some additional incentive to think out of the box. He was going to get to the bottom of things he promised.. Boy did he ever. Thanks to a gadget called IVUS. (Intravenous ultra sound) Apparently a scope camera is threaded through your arteries just like in an angiogram but with the camera ultra sound the doctor can see the inside of the vessels. Women’s plaque build up in arteries is not the same shape or type always as men. He found a 95% blockage in the LAD (widowmaker ) artery and I received my first stent! Wow, what a difference, a new person stepped off that Cardiac gurney and slipped into that ICU bed.

So a revolution is underway. God is good. Medical schools are supposedly changing the curricula of yesteryear. Women are undertaking new Studies, Abstracts, well-known Journals, are all being rewritten. We hope, yet old ideas, habits are hard to change. We have to fight being victims, we need to change our old habits for our future and those of our families.

We do not have to accept a diagnosis of, ‘it is all in our heads’ anymore, or ‘ it’s just a little heartburn.

‘We must become our own advocates. Fear of not being considered a sweetheart must be replaced with confidence, research and outspoken advocacy. If we want to survive, to change those lousy statistics we must speak up! We need to research our illnesses (be careful out there) and never take we don’t know what’s wrong for an answer.

sucks2

Now that I’m determined to begin writing again for my own mental and emotional health, I’ve realized that sometimes I don’t know where to start.  I have a list of topics I want to address . The problem is that they’re so intertwined that I don’t know which one to start with, or how to talk about one without having already mentioned an aspect of it in another.

For example, I want to talk more about some unsatisfying diagnoses, but that also involves how these false diagnoses came about. I am talking about the symptoms of my diagnoses. Especially fatigue, how utterly evil “non-restorative sleep” can be. How do you know when something is a recurring or worsening symptom of a diagnosis you already have versus something new? And a lot of other topics that are on the list.  So, please forgive if the posts for the next while have a lot of “I’ll talk about that more later” and add other links from previously written thoughts..  Hopefully all the story will get out of me.  Eventually .

I remember writing in the past about how long it took to get my diagnosis of Arachnoiditis. A rare but very real and miserable condition. It actually took many doctors, hospitalizations, unneeded surgeries and even lawyers! This became my first real experience as a medical Zebra. Most doctors treat most illnesses as they were taught from the text books. Reality and text book theories are often at great odds with each other. Where the rubber meets the road in real life, with unique individuals a horse might not be a horse. Even though it closely resembles a horse, and it has four legs, gallops the same, even has a tail, eats carrots but its not a horse. You will know it by its stripes, it is a Zebra. (An entire new post is planned on the many Zebra (rare) diseases out there.)

Back in 2000 after receiving my life saving stent. A Neurologist at the clinic had been called in on my case by my new BFF Dr. B. Apparently blood tests revealed lab’s were way off, and Dr. B. suspected autoimmune hepatitis. (Whoops, where did that come from?) My next new-found friend A Neurologist went to work with all his insight and knowledge, tests and wallah! Sjogren’s Syndrome was diagnosed. Tests, poking, blood work, and he even had special paper hanging from inside my eyelids, called a Schirmer test, which helped give him the answer.

Sjogrens is an autoimmune disease that attacks all the moisture producing glands and/or moisture anywhere in your body can be found.

He relieved a ton of anxiety by freeing me. Free from such a panoply of diseases! Instead of 10 diseases it was one disease with 10 symptoms!

Prior to this I was becoming partially concerned , that maybe I was actually a hypochondriac! As all those years of eye rolling in my direction suggested! My Neuro said many symptoms and many organs involved but only one disease! Praise the Lord. Truly.

Whoever wants to be told they have two or more seriously life altering chronic diseases?

I had felt like it was a game of musical diagnoses, but once I did finally get a real true one that made sense to me, a diagnosis that fit with what I felt was going on in my body, relief came. In abundance.  A name, something specific.  Something that represented that I was not alone.  A diagnosis that said It was not my imagination for all these symptoms. Something hopefully treatable.

There’s a lot of grieving that goes on when a chronic, no-cure-possible disease diagnosis is given! There’s also a sense of relief when the symptoms are given a name.

Feeling that your body can’t go another step is not anything I would recommend to anybody. It is one of the chief complaints of every Sjogren or autoimmune disease suffering patient I have ever met. And That is pretty many. I remember feeling so run down, every limb had become so heavy to move. Brain fog interrupting life. All this and more was happening while I was running a couple of businesses and had several employees with families to feed and Payrolls to make. Being responsible for all those people. Employees, families, (some of which were my own) Plus Vendors, Clients, it was all so really wearing and difficult. I felt for so long with every move I was making that there might not be a tomorrow. I was dragging the bottom of a proverbial pit with me everywhere. It was not easy, but I couldn’t, wouldn’t give up. Getting harder daily. (What in the heck was happening to me?)

I was also during these times care taking my disabled husband. Stress, anxiety had become second nature by now . They showed on me. Which sadly opened the door for a caniving business partner to make his move. Taking advantage to use our companies current yet limited success to save another of his companies that was literally a sinking ship. Remember the Y2K scare we were all put through? You know the threat that wasn’t?. Good times.! No, I am being facetious. While the times affected him egregiously, and Even though one can empathize it did not mean it was ok to steal from my family! So More lawyers! More stress.

Stress they say can kill you. Your body gets so used to fighting being the warrior it is that it easily can lose sight of when it should stop. It forgets what calm and normal serotonin levels or adrenaline feels like. So it becomes used to it being high, out of whack and thinks that is its new normal. Which is very wrong. This brings on autoimmune dysfunction and it attacks everything and anything it doesn’t recognize ferociously. Systems you would have never thought of. It even attacks itself! Medical science has come a long way. Albeit still has a really long way to go. These doctors saved my life in 2000.

It is a wonderful thought though that when a stop mechanism for autoimmune diseases is found 100’s of thousands of us will rejoice in the streets, homes, offices! But we will not be found in our beds.

So fast forward to now, when I want to talk more about unsatisfying diagnoses.

I’ve been fatigued for about 25 months.  Not tired. Tired doesn’t come close to this feeling. One member in a support group I belong to said that for her the fatigue she has wouldn’t let her get up if she fell out of her car on the highway in traffic. She would just lay there and think, what ever. That’s fatigue.

Doctors, nurses, PA’s would often ask, “getting enough sleep” or “working too hard”, “stressed lately?” –Nope,  this is different. This is bone-deep fatigue.  Can’t keep my eyes open fatigue. Can’t string a thought or words together coherently fatigued.  I bet I spend half my brain power and every minute of every day thinking about sleep in one way or another. Fatigue follows me, tries to stop me, then won’t let me rest. Go figure. But when my body gets to a point, I have been known to take to my bed for days, several days actually in a row. It’s very much like the flu. Trying to gather all the energy my cells can latch on to. And It helps, For a while, about a day.

I’ll talk about the 25-month long path to determine the cause of the fatigue in another post (see what I mean – it’s all tangled up…I actually started to explain the timeline here but then deleted the paragraph because I realized that’s not what this post is about – that’s a story for another post!). 

I ended up with a follow-up with a sleep medicine doctor  after my sleep study (second one – first done a few years ago) revealed no real explanation/diagnosis for my daytime fatigue – the first test showed mild apnea the second one no apnea, but lots of excessive limb movement, (PLM) but no unusual wakings, and very little REM sleep was found. It is hard to wake up when you really aren’t asleep.? Imagine that. So this Doctor decided I was deficient in dopamine.

The Doctor wanted to send me for yet another overnight sleep study, (I think there must be lots of money in these things?) but this time it was to be followed by a Multiple Latency Sleep Test, or “nap study.”  It’s the 7th circle of hell where they make you stay awake after your overnight study for 2 hours, then have you lay down in a dark, quiet room and see if you fall asleep.  If you fall asleep they let you sleep for 15 minutes and then wake you up (here’s where the torture comes in for a person with a sleep disorder…just let me sleep when its possible. people, quit waking me up!!!).  They repeat this every 2 hours.  And you have to do it at least 4 times – sometimes 5.  That means I would have to be in the room at the sleep center for an additional 20 more hours!.

Everyone I described it to said “there’s no way I’d be able to fall asleep every 2 hours after sleeping 8 hours at night.”  My response was “watch me.”  I had no doubt in my ability to fall asleep over and over again all day long.. .Yet I most likely wouldn’t reach much REM sleep.

I have a ridiculously long list of symptoms, maladies already. Did I want to add another? Hell no.

Taking the Latent day sleep test my research revealed could lead to a diagnosis of narcolepsy. Oh no, not in this lifetime. To be diagnosed with narcolepsy could affect many situations in my life, including not driving! Besides I have never ever fallen asleep sitting up, (unless I wanted to) or while talking, let alone driving!

So No test. I can refuse and so can you to take tests. Tests have consequences.Tests cost time frustation and money.

Finally instead of diagnosing me with narcolepsy, the official diagnosis now is “idiopathic hypersomnia.”   Although the doctor did say that the narcolepsy is something We’ll “keep an eye on ”. (I may still be on my way to a narcolepsy diagnosis?)  It’s good to have life goals, I guess.  But that is radiculousness! (My word for more than ridiculous)

This may be the singular most frustrating diagnosis I’ve ever had. Except for this next one.

“Idiopathic” means a disease for which the cause is not known. The Adhesive Arachnoiditis Diagnosis I mentioned earlier, the Zebra disease? That was also due to ‘idiopathic’ causes they said. Except, No it wasn’t! It was caused by a serious medical error! Doc’s prefer idiopathic.

“Hypersomnia” is a sleep disorder characterized by excessive daytime fatigue..

So the official medical/scientific term translates to “we have no freaking idea at all why you are so tired all day long.”

Fantastic.!

Meanwhile waiting for the follow-up with the sleep medicine doctor, some due diligence revealed a lot about idiopathic hypersomnia and narcolepsy. (which is a disorder that I knew nothing about prior to this other than a vague idea of people dropping to sleep at random times no matter what they were doing – That would be wrong. INCORRECT, but I have found lots of other people have that vague impression as well so at least it wasn’t just me!). 

Apparently the current research indicates biomarkers appearing within narcolepsy being an autoimmune disorder…surprise, surprise, surprise.  As everyone with an autoimmune disorder knows, once you have one, others like to come to the party!

The two disorders are pretty much treated the same way and the sleep medicine doctor started me on the most common medication to treat it (more about that in another post – told you I’d do that to you!). Pure dopamine was prescribed. The medicine didn’t help and caused my tongue to swell. So back to the drawing board. Every time a new unsatisfying diagnosis is added I just go home and take a nap.

But the difference between an unbelievably dissatisfying diagnosis of “we don’t know, or,  have no clue why you’re so tired all day,” versus idiopathic hypersomnia,? Hmmmm? So in practical terms it doesn’t really matter what the diagnosis says As long as it is a diagnosis that even if rare or not understood by many it is at least received as a result. These words offer treatment and gives validation. It’s not just in my head. The continual battle fighting sleep every minute of the day was not because I was lazy or had poor habits like staying up too late or that I was depressed, but it is an actual, diagnose-able, treatable disorder (?) Proven via all those crazy electrodes I had pasted-glued to my body, limbs and head for umpteen hours.

However I’ve got to say – an official diagnosis of “we don’t have any clue why you’re so tired all day” doesn’t seem like much of an official diagnosis to me. At most of my doctor visits this miserable fatigue thing comes up. Whereupon it is again reiterated to me. That serious fatigue is found to be common in Sjogrens patients. In Coronary disease!. In Fibromyalgia, IN Chronic Kidney Disease, or after strokes, in ME/CFS and or with Cancer treatments and various medication. Let alone the hypothyroidism I have battled for 30 plus years!

Add these problems altogether and I have no idea how I get up at all! Want to get depressed? Go to these doctors.

Every time a new unsatisfying diagnosis is added I just go home and take a nap.

My dear daughter thinks I need to exercise more. A few of my specialists agree with her to a degree. The others say hell no! The last thing you need is depleted mast cells. Or compression fractures or more pain in those bone on bone joints.Nor A CVE (cardio vascular event).

So if it’s a good day I take the garbage out or take a shower. Maybe do the dishes, dust a little, read a book. Set my fun little robot Roomba in motion and then I might even Write.

…..but….for now, I hear a nap calling my name……….. More to follow…..soon..